This year I have been struggling with my decision to be a task force dean rather than doing something more “hard core.” I’ve wrestled with the fact that I’m not changing lives in some jungle half way across the world and instead I’m hanging out with teenagers, watching TV, helping with homework on occasion and ferrying them places. I have my car parked in the parking lot and I’m going to home for my birthday. I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m really making a difference. The “what-ifs” have been plaguing me nonstop for several months now and every time I see pictures of other friends who are out in the middle of nowhere I feel like the questions are winning. What if this wasn’t where I was supposed to go? What if I’m not making a difference? What if I was supposed to be in school this year? What if I’m not growing spiritually? What if all my friends have forgotten about me? What if I come back to AU and have to make all new friends? Those are just a few of the questions that have been bouncing around in my brain like popcorn. I have had no clue how to answer them and they have been a source of serious frustration for me.
This last weekend I helped drive some students up to Walla Walla University for a young writer’s conference. While I was there I ended up at a friend’s house for a little Friday night relaxation with some of her friends. One girl was talking about how she was thinking about going to Maxwell Academy in Kenya but she was worried that she wasn’t going to have the “ideal” SM experience. She was afraid that she was going to be in a place that was too westernized and that she wouldn’t get the experience she felt a “true” SM should have. She said that her sister lived in a tent when she was a missionary and this girl was so worried that if she didn’t live in a tent she wouldn’t be a missionary. That’s when it clicked for me. I had an “Ah-ha moment” and I almost started crying. My friend, a past missionary to the islands, and I talked to her about what she was worried about and her expectations and other things like that. I started talking about Gem State and I knew right away that this is where God needs me this year and I was overwhelmed with relief and excitement.
I told her that she shouldn’t be worried about the ideal experience because where ever God sends you, your experience will be ideal for Him to be able to best use you. I talked to her about how I had felt all year and then started telling her about how I felt I had made a difference. The girls trust me. I’ve become their friend and ally. There is one girl who trusts me enough to be able to talk to me about stuff going on at home and about her mom and the broken relationship there. She is a freshman and at 15 she has had to deal with more drama than I have ever had in my life. Her mom will randomly kick her out of the house during the summer just because she woke up that morning and didn’t feel like seeing her 15-year-old daughter. This girl has spent a night on a park bench because of this. Gem State is the best place for this girl because she can form healthy relationships with people and I am able to show her through my actions how much God truly loves her and is watching out for her. God sent her to GSA and I am so glad because we have become fast friends.
There is another girl who has declared herself my “hug buddy” which is fine with me because I absolutely love hugs. She is the loudest person I know but she is so genuine and amazing that you can’t help but love her. I tell the girls that I love them and I hope they believe me because I really do. I care very deeply for each and every girl in the dorm no matter how irritating they may be at times.
Sadly, not everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time. I have had to see several students leave the school due to disciplinary action or just because they didn’t like it here. It totally stinks to see those kids walk away from such a great place but I know that God will always be watching over them and I pray for them on a daily basis. I have slowly become surrogate mother, nurse, confidante, gum provider, friend, advice-giver, and so much more. I am a dean. I’ve had to deal with more crazy, grumpy and crazy-grumpy parents. I’m learning how to respond to criticism from people who are ill informed. I have had to comfort kids when the death of a family member weighs heavily on them. I’m learning that I maybe wasn’t as charismatic as I thought before I started here. In short, I’ve learned a lot in a very short period of time.
I can’t believe that spring break is just around the corner. This year has sped by so quickly that it almost makes me sad. In a little less than three months I will be packing up my car and heading home to North Dakota for a summer full of more kids, only at camp this time and then back to Andrews. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. I’m not going to focus on how little time I have left but rather, I’ll focus on the time that I have and make it the best three months of my life. I am so honored to be a dean and despite how frustrating they can be sometimes these kids are the most amazing reason to get up in the morning and be cheerful. God picked the best place on the planet for me to serve Him and I’m overjoyed to be His missionary.
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