Post-Graduation Thoughts

Is there anything that prepares you for this moment in time? Are you ever truly ready? The answer to both of those questions, I've found seems to be a resounding "no." But as I've said before, that's ok.

I graduated. I walked across the stage of my beloved college church, received my diploma, and shook the president's hand (university president that is). I cried through my entire high school graduation because I felt like it was the end of everything. If only I'd known it was just the beginning I probably wouldn't look so red-faced and bleary eyed in all my high school pictures. When I graduated from college it was a whole different feeling. I sat with three of my dearest animal science friends and anxiously awaited our names being called. The feeling I felt when I finished college a mere 3 weeks ago was pure joy. I was so excited to get my "diploma" (the actual piece of paper is coming in the mail) and just be done with college.

In my last post I talked about how nervous I was and discussed some of the truly great reasons I was totally ready to graduate, nerves and all. I'm now here to tell you, I feel the exact same way I did 60+ days ago. I'm ecstatic to begin a new adventure and to spend some time significantly closer to my main squeeze; eight months of long distance just won't fly anymore. I'm moving to a great town in my favorite state of all, North Dakota (don't tell Michigan).

Of course all the nervousness about this new chapter hasn't dissipated but I'm more excited than ever to start a phenomenal internship (that's PAID!!) and into my very first apartment! (I'm so excited about my apartment that it will probably get it's own blog post all together.) As is the hope with all students post grad, I want to continue learning. If a person stops learning they become stagnant and static and even useless. So in an effort to not be THAT person, I'm going to may take a couple of free online courses and definitely read more. I want to read for the sake of reading and gaining knowledge about myself and the world. I think this is getting rambly..

The point of all these words is just to say, although I didn't get the job I was hoping for, I still have something incredible and I'm going to be something incredible. That is all.

I'm about to graduate from college. I have my regalia, I all but have my degree in my hand. I'm on what should prove to be a successful hunt for a job. I have a very supportive family and boyfriend. So riddle me this, why am I so scared? Why am I so worried about where I end up, what I'll be doing, or even what state I'll be in? I have zero answers to these questions but here's what I do know.

I will be graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Animal Science from a school nobody has heard of. But that's ok because that means they don't know what to expect. Having a degree makes me eligible for better opportunities as well as better pay, both of which are positive things though neither really matter that much to me. Because no one has ever heard of my school I don't have to worry about fulfilling someone's expectations of how they think a graduate from [insert ivy league school here] should act a certain way and perform to levels potentially beyond that person's capabilities. I don't have that pressure. I just need to go out there and be myself...which is also scary.

I'm confident in my career choice. I know what I want to do and I'm ready to pursue it. There are a lot people who still aren't quite 100% sure what they're going to do and that's ok too. But I think it's reassuring to know that I want to go into zoo education and have some sort of basic outline for what my life will look like down the road. That's not to say I have a 5 year plan, because I totally don't, and I'm ok with that.

I have an incredible support system between my friends, family, and boyfriend. They are all ready to see me go places and achieve great things and I hope for their sake that I don't let them down! But I know that if I do fail, I have a soft place to land.

So am I nervous about graduating? Yes. Am I ready to graduate? Absolutely! Look out world, I'm coming at you in 60 days! Are you ready?

Bucket List 2.0

I figure this should probably get written down so I don't forget to do any of them and so I can start crossing them out.

Ashley's Bucket List*

1. Publish a volume of poetry

2. Record an album

3. Travel to ALL the places!

4. Go to Paris and sword fight with baguettes in front of the Eiffel Tower

5. Change a life

6. Find love

7. Keep in touch with my best friends no matter the distance

8. Find a career I'm passionate about (I can say with almost absolute certainty that I've found the career for me: zookeeping.)

9. Go skinny dipping

10. Visit every state in the US (I have been to 39 states so I have 11 states left)

11. Do some sort of acting

12.  Volunteer at an elephant orphanage in India or Africa

13. Go to the Galapagos Islands again

14. Visit every island, country, or ice berg with a penguin population

15. Meet the president of the United States
16. Go skydiving
17. Go to the hot air balloon festival in New Mexico

*This list is subject to change. Additions will definitely be made. 

So far this is all I can think of. If they are crossed off they are done.

I'm excited. 

Recollections from My First 21 Years of Life

I have decided that 22 is more of a mile stone age than 21 for two reasons. Reason 1: I don't drink so who cares when it's legal? Reason 2: I'm finally out of the 18-21 age bracket on surveys!
In the last 21 years I have experienced joy, love, sorrow, fear, and so many more emotions that I could go on for a while but I won't. So what is there to say about the last 21 years without writing an autobiography. Let's see. I've had the privilege of caring for the most amazing cat and dog on the planet. Casey and Zeke, you will both always be in my heart no pet could ever match either of you. I have been there for almost all of my cousins' births, whether I remember it or not. My cousins and my brother were my first friends growing up and I would do almost anything for them. My best friend from age 3 until she moved away after 6th grade just got engaged which happened to help several happy memories from 6th grade and before resurface. I remember her and I thinking about that day waaaaay in the future when we would get married and how we would be each other's bridesmaid and then she would own a ranch and I would own an orphanage right next door. My orphans would go to her house and ride her horses. It was the perfect arrangement. Now that she's actually engaged 6th grade seems like yesterday.
I started singing at a really young age and have enjoyed it ever since. In fact, I'm kind of good at it too (or so people tell me). I'm recording several tracks next week! I remember the Y2K scare. I thought it was the stupidest thing. I wasn't really concerned.
After I got baptized (age 11) I would cry when I did something wrong because I sort of thought that after I was baptized I would never do anything wrong again and I was sad that I kept messing up. Thankfully, I have that all straightened out now. I've been all over the United States and even done some international travelling! I'm lookin at you Galapagos Islands and Mexico (Canada doesn't really count...). I've discovered that I'm very passionate about kids. I LOVE working at camp. This will be my 5th summer working as a lifeguard, counselor, and all around helper and I couldn't be happier with that decision.
Something else I've learned is that my dad was soooo right about college. It really is 1000 times better than high school. (And I thought high school was great!) I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for and that makes me VERY happy. I'm an assistant dean in Idaho. Who thought that would ever happen? I definitely didn't see myself here when I was in 8th grade.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am so blessed! God has blessed me with the best FAMILY, PETS, FRIENDS, EDUCATION, OPPORTUNITIES, and LIFE a woman could ask for. If you actually read all of this, kudos. :) Here's to another fabulous 21 years of life!!

GSA Chapter 12: My "Ah-ha" Moment

This year I have been struggling with my decision to be a task force dean rather than doing something more “hard core.” I’ve wrestled with the fact that I’m not changing lives in some jungle half way across the world and instead I’m hanging out with teenagers, watching TV, helping with homework on occasion and ferrying them places. I have my car parked in the parking lot and I’m going to home for my birthday. I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m really making a difference. The “what-ifs” have been plaguing me nonstop for several months now and every time I see pictures of other friends who are out in the middle of nowhere I feel like the questions are winning. What if this wasn’t where I was supposed to go? What if I’m not making a difference? What if I was supposed to be in school this year? What if I’m not growing spiritually? What if all my friends have forgotten about me? What if I come back to AU and have to make all new friends?  Those are just a few of the questions that have been bouncing around in my brain like popcorn. I have had no clue how to answer them and they have been a source of serious frustration for me.

This last weekend I helped drive some students up to Walla Walla University for a young writer’s conference. While I was there I ended up at a friend’s house for a little Friday night relaxation with some of her friends. One girl was talking about how she was thinking about going to Maxwell Academy in Kenya but she was worried that she wasn’t going to have the “ideal” SM experience. She was afraid that she was going to be in a place that was too westernized and that she wouldn’t get the experience she felt a “true” SM should have. She said that her sister lived in a tent when she was a missionary and this girl was so worried that if she didn’t live in a tent she wouldn’t be a missionary. That’s when it clicked for me. I had an “Ah-ha moment” and I almost started crying. My friend, a past missionary to the islands, and I talked to her about what she was worried about and her expectations and other things like that. I started talking about Gem State and I knew right away that this is where God needs me this year and I was overwhelmed with relief and excitement.

I told her that she shouldn’t be worried about the ideal experience because where ever God sends you, your experience will be ideal for Him to be able to best use you. I talked to her about how I had felt all year and then started telling her about how I felt I had made a difference. The girls trust me. I’ve become their friend and ally. There is one girl who trusts me enough to be able to talk to me about stuff going on at home and about her mom and the broken relationship there. She is a freshman and at 15 she has had to deal with more drama than I have ever had in my life. Her mom will randomly kick her out of the house during the summer just because she woke up that morning and didn’t feel like seeing her 15-year-old daughter. This girl has spent a night on a park bench because of this. Gem State is the best place for this girl because she can form healthy relationships with people and I am able to show her through my actions how much God truly loves her and is watching out for her. God sent her to GSA and I am so glad because we have become fast friends.

There is another girl who has declared herself my “hug buddy” which is fine with me because I absolutely love hugs. She is the loudest person I know but she is so genuine and amazing that you can’t help but love her. I tell the girls that I love them and I hope they believe me because I really do. I care very deeply for each and every girl in the dorm no matter how irritating they may be at times.

Sadly, not everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time. I have had to see several students leave the school due to disciplinary action or just because they didn’t like it here. It totally stinks to see those kids walk away from such a great place but I know that God will always be watching over them and I pray for them on a daily basis. I have slowly become surrogate mother, nurse, confidante, gum provider, friend, advice-giver, and so much more. I am a dean. I’ve had to deal with more crazy, grumpy and crazy-grumpy parents. I’m learning how to respond to criticism from people who are ill informed. I have had to comfort kids when the death of a family member weighs heavily on them. I’m learning that I maybe wasn’t as charismatic as I thought before I started here. In short, I’ve learned a lot in a very short period of time.

I can’t believe that spring break is just around the corner. This year has sped by so quickly that it almost makes me sad. In a little less than three months I will be packing up my car and heading home to North Dakota for a summer full of more kids, only at camp this time and then back to Andrews. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.  I’m not going to focus on how little time I have left but rather, I’ll focus on the time that I have and make it the best three months of my life.  I am so honored to be a dean and despite how frustrating they can be sometimes these kids are the most amazing reason to get up in the morning and be cheerful. God picked the best place on the planet for me to serve Him and I’m overjoyed to be His missionary.

GSA Chapter 11: Near Death, Among Other Things

I'm going to express my astonishment again; I still can't believe they decided I was mature enough to deal with some of the stuff that happens when you put 100 teenagers together. We have had to deal with a very difficult situation recently and there is lots of lying going on. It's a situation that I would have happily avoided when I was in high school. I would have found out probably 3 weeks after it all happened. But now I'm right in the middle of everything. We had to search a room and everything. It makes me really sad to see someone stand in front of you and lie to your face about what they have been doing. It makes my heart ache for them. Last semester I was thinking to myself about how easy the semester had been and that we didn't really have a whole lot of disciplinary action to deal with. Then we got back from Christmas break and the flood gates were opened and we have had to deal with one sad situation after another. Because of all of the stuff I've been dealing with I feel like I've matured about 5 years in two weeks. I still struggle with what to say when things like this come up but I'm working on it. I tend to want to say exactly how I feel about a situation and that's not necessarily a good thing. I'm also learning what kind of questions to ask and what kind of advice to give.

Earlier this week I got my W-2 in the mail. For some reason I had never seen this tax document before so I went into the business office to have it explained to me and after about 10 minutes the document was explained. I then immediately sent it to my parents who do my taxes for me and then called my dad to tell him that it was on it's way. During the conversation I asked him if he would just do my taxes for the rest of my life...he said no. Oh well. He also informed that there are only three things that are definite in this life: birth, death, and taxes. I should probably start looking for an accountant.

On a cheerier note, the school had winter sports day yesterday and that meant skiing at Bogus Basin for me. I was imagining sort of a small ski area with 7 or 8 runs and 1 or 2 lifts. I was very wrong. There are probably 7 or 8 lifts and I didn't get the chance to ride all of them much less ski even half of the runs on the mountain. I skied with the principal, VP, and head dean for most of the day. It snowed pretty much all morning, which made for painful skiing if you got going too fast. However, the skiing later in the day was fabulous because of the fresh snow. It was only hampered by dense fog. I experienced a total white out. I was riding the lift and we passed into fog so thick that I could barely see the chair in front of me and it was a surreal feeling to just be suspended in total whiteness. After a little while struggling to ski through the fog I finally gave up and went in. Skiing by "Braille" isn't ideal and is actually rather terrifying. At 4 o'clock we loaded the bus and then had to sit and wait for one wayward student for about twenty minutes. When we finally got on the road in the school bus it was slow going; because of all the snow the roads were slick and trecherous. Everything seemed to be going fine, with the exception of the occasional fish tail, until we approached a curve about a quarter of the way down the mountain. The bus driver started slowing down and the bus started sliding. We slid into a snow bank on the edge of the road, missing the guard rail and with about five feet of mountain before we would have careened down the mountainside in a runaway bus.
They say that when a person has a near death experience that their whole life flashes before their eyes. That didn't happen to me, the only thought in my head was, "Dear Jesus, please don't let me die." and the other thought was about my grandpa's sister Jane who died in a grey hound bus accident in 1962. Weird. Anyway, we made it down the mountain without anymore life threatening incidents and I slept for the remainder of the ride.

Today I was awakened by my brother who sent me 15 text messages in 2 minutes. If he wasn't 2000 miles away right now I would have probably tried to strangle him. Turns out it was a good thing he woke me up because about 30 minutes later I had to take one of our girl's to the urgent care clinic to have her shoulder looked at. We spent about an hour there and learned that she will be fine. Hurray! Then I spent two hours this evening in the ER with another girl who fell while ice skating yesterday. It was a good thing I brought a book because they took X-rays and did a CT scan on her. We were there for two hours. Thankfully she will be fine too! I hope I don't have crazy children...*cough like my brother cough*

One part of my day that I really enjoy is RA meeting. Every night around 10:30 the RAs come down to the dean's office and we talk about the day. We talk about problems on the hall and issues with people during the day. But mostly, we laugh and decompress from the stress of another day. It is quite possibly one of my favorite parts of my job. I get to tease the guys about their girlfriends and we usually spend a lot of time laughing hysterically and talking about complete randomness. It's wonderful. Tonight they were harassing me about not having a boyfriend. They think that if I have a boyfriend then I won't be as interested in their love lives. But really, even if I did have a boyfriend, I'd still be just as interested in what was going in their lives. I love being able to joke around with them and tease them about stuff. RA meetings are the bomb...just sayin'.

Well, I think that's enough for now. This weekend is senior recognition, that should be fun. I'm excited to see what they do differently here. Much love to all those who read my sporadic blog posts. Keep GSA in your prayers. I think about all of my friends and family every day. I miss every one!

-Ashley

GSA Chapter 10: The Second Half (Roses Have Thorns)

I am very privileged, or maybe blessed is a better word, I don't know. I really am though. I got to go home for Christmas and as crazy as it was, it was oddly restful. As soon as I stepped off the plane it was non-stop rushing. I had to explain to a zillion people that I was not, in fact, at Andrews and that I was in Idaho as an assistant dean. But despite all the rushing, shopping, singing, laughing, family, friends, and lack of sleeping in it was a much needed break, a respite from the life of a dean.

Take that last sentence with a grain of salt because my life as a dean isn't a difficult one at ALL. Let me explain though.  It's lonely here. I'm totally surrounded by people that have no clue who I am; some of them don't even know my first name. You know how people say that they are surrounded by people and yet somehow feel utterly alone? That's how I feel when I'm here. Don't get me wrong, we have good times. The first banquet of the year "Winter Wonderland" is coming up and the girls are ecstatic. A couple of girls came banging on my door the other day wearing their banquet dresses. They were dancing around in the halls and were absolutely pumped about getting dressed up and going out. As I look back on the banquets that I attended and planned I have fond memories. I remember being excited. It's a good feeling.  Despite all the good feelings I still feel "blah" inside. It's not hard to smile and laugh and scream and have a good time but when everything is said and done and I go back to my room I'm lonely. I miss my friends. I think about them all the time.

The title says "Roses Have Thorns," meaning that even though things seem to be great, there are still undeniable rough patches that hurt.  I got a new room. It was supposed to be done in November, before Thanksgiving but the finally finished it during Christmas break. I started moving in the moment I got back. When I moved in I didn't have a door knob on my bathroom and I still have a ton of stuff in my other room because I have NO CLUE where I'm going to put it all! But aside from the fact that it's a tiny space, even if it does have a bathroom...which I LOVE, it's very poorly designed. Aside from the design there are a bunch of little things that are very irritating. I grew up in a house that was in a constant state of construction and I know what quality looks like. My new bathroom is a bathroom but there is still a sticker on the sink, pencil marks on the walls, gouges in the cabinetry, not to mention that I don't think anyone sat on my new toilet to see if it was comfortable because it's not. And I know you aren't supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth but seriously?! These people were sooooo sloppy. But every time I try to say something about it every one says, "But you have a bathroom now." Is that supposed to mean something? Yes, I have a bathroom now but that doesn't mean that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I want people to care about there work. Even though this post hasn't exactly been all rainbows and butterflies I just want you all to know that I really love my job and I love every single student that lives in this dorm. But I just needed to "write" this all down. Hopefully that will help with the unrest.

Things are good here at GSA. I really should blog more, then they wouldn't be so long. We have been back in school for a week already. The banquet is just around the corner. There is an open house this weekend, that should be fun. I love a good open house. Every school is not without their drama however. And in our case it was bottled up from before break and now it's all coming out, like an enormous tidal wave. I've learned what parents must feel like when a child disappoints them. I also think that I did a year's worth of maturing in a week. I still find myself at a loss for words when I have to discipline kids but I'm getting better about articulating the rules when I need to. I hate reprimanding kids because I remember being on the other side of that reprimand and how awkward and irritating it is. But it's something that I'm learning how to do, even though I have a particular distaste for it.

On a happier note, I got to see my best friend in the whole world over Christmas break. She drove all the way from Michigan to Loveland, CO to spend about 24 hours with me. We rang in the new year together. It was the most special New Year's Eve yet. You can watch the video on Facebook. I also get to see all my fabulous friends at Andrews in T-29 days! Hi friends at Andrews, it's me, Ashley. I don't know if you remember me but I'm stopping by in a month so you better put your party clothes on! (I'm REALLY excited.) Ok, I have to do the chapel talk tomorrow so I should probably stop typing and start sleeping so that I can get up at a regular hour and make it on time to that shindig. May the peace of God permeate your souls today. I love you all!

Ashley